


Secrets

by Nynaeve



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-08
Updated: 2011-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-14 23:03:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nynaeve/pseuds/Nynaeve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five secrets Chakotay kept for Kathryn and one he didn't.  Also, five secrets Kathryn kept for Chakotay and one she didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chakotay

**Author's Note:**

> _I always have a billion little scenes that I can’t flesh into a full fic. Here are some of these scenes, added with others, to create a two parter. I’ve “tweaked” the series a bit. We stop well before Endgame and I’ve fleshed out the characters just a tad more. Read, review, but as always, enjoy! Thank you quantumsilver for your very awesome beta-skillz. I've noticed a few formatting issues with AO3 - if you notice a paragraph or sentence that seems out of place, let me know! I've found entire paragraphs missing that make the world of difference in a story!_

 

Six months had come and gone. They were a hodge-podge crew that seemed to have more arguments than laughter. He knew it wore on her, trying to do right by two groups that had polarizing allegiances. He hated the Cardassians and he had little love for Starfleet, but Kathryn Janeway had proven to be honorable and she'd kept her promises. That was worth something in his book; besides, their situation was far too precarious to risk with mutiny. If he did that, they might as well just set the self-destruct. Her ship, her rules.

He rang the chime on her ready room door and entered at her permission.

She was staring out her window, her cup of coffee sitting on her desk, now tepid and hardly worth drinking. Her movements were slow and somber. When she met his eyes, he saw the haunted expression. It was a sharp contrast to the optimistic display she often put forth for her crew. For him.

"Captain?"

"Don't think ill of me, Chakotay, but today..." she paused and sat down, her head in her hands. "I don't know if I can do this. This quadrant has no semblance of order. How half these races ended up with warp drives, I'll never know. With their barbarism, I'm surprised they aren't stuck on some backwater planet clubbing each other over the head."

The Kazon weighed on her. The fact that Seska was providing a tactical advantage against  _Voyager_  ate at her. She was fatigued, with dark circles under her eyes, and Chakotay couldn't help but join her as she sat in rumination.

"You don't have to do it alone," he comforted. And he knew he'd do everything he could to make sure she succeeded.

o-o-o-o-o

The gray boxes were an eyesore against the natural beauty of New Earth. Chakotay noticed that most of Kathryn's personal belongings were already packed in anticipation of  _Voyager'_ s return. She was nowhere to be found and that brought him some measure of concern. He was sure she was physically fine, but after the comm badge had broken their tranquility, she had hastily commenced rehearsing her authoritative attitude for when she stepped back onto the bridge of her ship.

As he started to place his own items in a nearby crate, he caught sight of a PADD sitting on the table. It was Kathryn's personal log. He moved to put it somewhere where it wouldn't be forgotten (and, if he were honest, where he wouldn't be tempted), but accidentally caught sight of the last few lines.

 _How many times can my life be disrupted? As much as I love the stars, I realize only too late, that I could be content here, with him._

Quickly he shoved the PADD on a shelf, away from his prying eyes. It was the side of Kathryn he had caught a glimpse of during their exile. It was the side of Kathryn he wished he could see every day. Maybe one day, if he played his cards right, he could draw her out of her shell again.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

She was weeping bitterly when he found her in the aeroponics bay. She was settled on a bench, surrounded by Kes' work and he knew the sound of mourning when he heard it. Wordlessly he took a seat next to her and wrapped his arm around her. Kathryn willingly accepted and let her tears flow into his chest. There was nothing to be said, nothing he could say. He also knew there was no one else, that there could be no one else, to carry her burden.

"I thought of her as a daughter," she whispered hoarsely. "I wonder if this is what my mother felt when I disappeared."

"I imagine it was something like this."

She was silent for a long time; there were no more tears, just...silence.

"I always wanted a daughter," she confessed and he held her as sobs wracked her body once more.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

They were celebrating. She'd pulled out champagne and he'd pulled out the glasses and they were settled on his sofa, warm and just a bit giddy from the alcohol. The mighty Devore had been outwitted and defeated. Kashyk had been sent back with his tail between his legs and it felt damn good. Kathryn was smiling almost uncontrollably.

"It's about time something went our way," she announced with a raise of her glass. "To good, old-fashioned human ingenuity."

"To human ingenuity," he echoed, raising his glass.

She sipped her champagne and for a moment looked lost in thought.

"Kathryn?"

Glancing up, slightly startled, she seemed to weigh her next words. "I kissed him."

"Oh." The alpha male in Chakotay bristled a little, but she wasn't his and so he had to let it go.

"The sad part is, I almost regret..." her cheeks colored and she waved her hand. "Never mind."

He shrugged his shoulders, but from the way shame reddened her face and the closed off posture she had taken, he knew. Loneliness could do dangerous things to the mind and he was grateful that Kathryn still had some sense left in her head.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Only a week had passed for them, but an entire civilization had gone through countless generations. It was a sobering thought and Chakotay wanted to reflect on it with his best friend. He found Kathryn in the holodeck with no privacy locks, so Chakotay opted to join her. It was a plain room with rows of uncomfortable looking wooden pews. She was sitting with her head bowed.

"Are you okay?"

Lifting her head, she nodded. "I was just...thinking."

"Only thinking?" he needled lightly and she gave a slight roll of the eyes.

"Promise not to tell anyone?" Kathryn asked, pursing her lips.

Chakotay nodded, though she gave pause as to whether or not to reveal her secret.

"After I saved Kes on that planet with that forcefield...even though I  _knew_  how it all happened, I found myself coming here. I found myself praying. Foolish isn't it?" she admitted in a hushed tone.

"Not at all. I think we need all the help we can get."

He could practically hear her thinking.

"What if heaven is just a really large starship?" she doubted, the crease in her brow growing more defined.

Reaching out, he took her hand and put it in his lap. "Then let's hope they serve something better than leola root."

Mixed alto and baritone laughter reverberated brilliantly off the plain, ecru walls.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Somewhere between Deck Four and Deck Five, in a cramped Jeffries tube, Chakotay kissed Kathryn. It wasn't really  _his_  Kathryn. His Kathryn was seven years in the future...somewhere. It was a stupid move but there weren't going to be any consequences (he hoped). Everything would be fixed and she wouldn't remember.

She tasted like coffee and cherries and smelled just as heavenly. He had her firmly in his grip as he explored, and when she tried to pull back, he tightened his hold just a hair. Enough to tell her that he'd waited far too long to give this up so easily. Kathryn's hands slid up around his neck and he was shocked as hell when she nipped his bottom lip.

"You don't know that about me do you?" she whispered breathlessly, her eyes full of confusion. "I thought maybe you two..."

"No...I wanted to..." he said sheepishly, trying to appear apologetic. He wasn't sorry at all though.

"I don't like my men shy and that's all I'm going to say on the subject," she gave him and before he could respond, she motioned forward. "I think we ought to get this finished, don't you?"

She started down the tunnel and Chakotay stared after her. The way her hips swayed and the fabric of her uniform pulled almost made him audibly groan. When the timelines were straight again, he vowed that he was going to alter everything. Temporal Prime Directive be damned.

TBC...

  


 


	2. Kathryn

  


Her new first officer was an enigma. Kathryn wasn't sure what she was expecting when she captured him, but she knew she was most certainly not expecting him to just give in without so much as a fight. Chakotay's confident support of her sowed the first seed of trust for her. He wasn't filled with bloodlust and he wasn't half insane. Both were very good qualities for someone who was going to watch her back for the next lifetime.

Today, however, after the shocking revelation that one of their own had betrayed them to the Kazon and was, even worse, a spy, Kathryn had witnessed a fury in Chakotay that had sent a shiver of fear down her spine. She wasn't eager to meet that hatred face to face again, but this was her duty. Carefully she pushed the chime to his office.

"Come in!"

Chakotay had a grim expression on his visage, his shoulders were tense, and he was hunched over the PADD on his desk. The daggers in his eyes didn't subside when he glanced at her and she found herself taking on a slightly defensive stance.

"I came to see how you were doing," she broached cautiously.

"She was a former lover, Captain. She was also, apparently, the enemy," he spat and clenched his fists.

"You couldn't have known..."

"It doesn't matter. I hate her. I hate her and when I find her I will  _kill_  her," he stated in a low, even tone.

"That's not who you are."

"With all due respect,  _Kathryn_ ," he warned, "That's exactly who I am."

And she genuinely believed him.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The sky was rose red with swathes of tangerine fading into inky blackness. Chakotay sat on a rock and was just gazing out at the barren terrain of the planet on which the Kazon had abandoned them. Kathryn's footsteps alerted him to her presence and he turned, giving her a broken smile. She mutely neared him and leaned against the rock that was his refuge.

The breeze was chillier without the beating sun to warm them. That they weren't all dead by the hands of their enemy was a wonder, but whether or not they would survive longer...

"I always wanted a son."

There was no other explanation needed. Before their exile, they'd shared a meal in which Chakotay poured out his failure in the eyes of his father and how he hoped, how he prayed, that he would be able to redeem himself through fatherhood. Unfortunately, his absolution was a lie, and his sin remained.

In the dark, with vivid pinpricks of light, Kathryn's small hand found his and she held it tight, if only to let him know that he wasn't alone.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It was difficult to give him space as worried as she was for him. Kathryn had stopped by with meals, careful not to stay too long. Chakotay's face seemed twisted in a constant scowl and the last time she'd been more than unsettled at the disarray in which she'd found his medicine bundle. In a rage, he must have thrown it. Still, she didn't comment on it. She'd set the tray down and tried to offer minor conversation. Then she'd left.

Today was different. He'd been in the holodeck for two hours and it was encroaching on her holodeck time. Kathryn wasn't so much concerned about getting her recreation in as she was about what she would find on the other side of the door.

Shoring herself up, she entered, and found herself in a place she'd filed away. New Earth. The sound of sanding drew her to the clearing where Chakotay was harshly laboring on what appeared to be a headboard.

"Chakotay," she called. He stopped but didn't look up.

"I lost track of the time," he half apologized and he hurled his tool down before wiping his brow with the back of his hand. "Computer -"

"Wait," she interrupted, moving to be in his line of sight. "Why here?"

Like a man starving he met her eyes and lifted his hand to trace her jaw line.

"I enjoyed choking the life out of the Kradin. Like the Cardassians it brought me pleasure," he bared, his finger resting on her chin. "I need to remember what it's like to feel at peace."

He drew his hand back but Kathryn caught his arm. Her eyes stung and she knew she was on the verge of tears.

"Stay?" she supplicated. "I haven't had anything to eat all day and I'd like the company."

Chakotay considered and then nodded. Kathryn knew then that he'd be okay.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

His shirt was sweat-soaked and he had the first purplish hues starting to form on his cheek. He also had the biggest grin on his face and Kathryn couldn't help but mirror it as she ran into him on her way to the messhall.

"I hope you're planning on heading to Sickbay, Commander," she chided with a wry twist of her lips.

"Yes, although I think I need a shower more. I feel disgusting," he answered, with a wrinkle of his nose. "I don't suppose this would entice you into the world of boxing?"

"Not at all. I much prefer something less...strenuous," Kathryn demurred. She couldn't keep her own smile from beaming through. "It's good to see you back on your feet. While we were in chaotic space, I was afraid - "

She stopped and abruptly swallowed, her face settling into its more common mask.

"You were afraid you'd done irreparable harm?" he finished for her and she reluctantly nodded in assent.

He chuckled. "I've got a hard head. Besides, it was kind of fun."

"Oh?" she inquired as they started their jaunt again.

Leaning in and lowering his voice conspiratorially he enlightened her. "Don't tell anyone, but one of my favorite daydreams is that I'm a prize fighter."

He pulled back and shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe when we get back, I'll retire and spend my days boxing."

"Retire?" she echoed incredulously. "You're already planning for retirement?"

"Sure. Don't worry," he assured. "I'll need a manager and I think you'd be perfect for the job."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow.

"See what I mean? You already tell me what to do," Chakotay quipped as they came to a full stop in front of Sickbay. "Think about it Kathryn. You and me, traveling across the Alpha quadrant..."

Kathryn thought it was absurd, but as she left him behind, she let herself dwell on the idea for a nanosecond more.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

She'd been working non-stop and was thrilled at a little time to herself. Kathryn called up Fair Haven and slipped in, fully expecting the charms of one Michael Sullivan to help wash away the stress of the day. Instead she found Michael sitting on a barstool cradling his jaw.

"What the hell happened?"

"I don't know! One minute I was sitting here, minding my own business, when this man comes in here and beats the bloody hell out of me," he recounted with an irate wave of his hand.

Kathryn frowned. There wasn't any actual storyline to Fair Haven, it was just a locale. Had Tom programmed something different in? Even so, it shouldn't have bled through into her copy.

"When I see that tattooed menace again, I swear I'm going to kill him," Michael growled.

She looked at him sharply. "Tattooed menace?"

"Yes. The bastard had this marking on his forehead. Stupid too, since I'll be able to pick him out of a crowd."

What in the world could have provoked Chakotay into punching Michael? She was going to reset her holographic amour but remembered she'd locked herself out. Sighing she stood up and headed towards the exit, pausing only to give Michael one more look. Had Chakotay been  _jealous_?

The thought made her cheeks burn but she wasn't about to let anyone know that her first officer had taken his frustrations out on an innocent hologram.

"Computer. Delete character Michael Sullivan. End Program."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Well, maybe you should go the Cargo Bay and get us another bottle," Kathryn urged as they sat on her sofa, having finished a glass of Antarian cider. She felt delightfully warm and she laughed at the expression on his face.

"How did you know…?"

She held her finger up and wagged it at him. "Temporal Prime Directive."

The truth was, it had been dreams. When they had first started, she wrote them off, but then things  _happened_  and her hunches seemed to always be right. Kathryn wasn't entirely sure what her dreams signified but after the cider, the most sensual of the dreams had floated to the surface.

Not giving much more thought to it, she slid over until she was centimeters away from his lips.

"You know something about me, don't you?" she charged, her eyes locked on his.

"I know that I'm not going to be shy about what I feel anymore," he asserted, his eye flitting down to look at her strawberry-red lips.

She was a millimeter closer, if that were even possible. "Good."

Then their lips met (who initiated the embrace, only God knew) and she thought he tasted like cider and incense. He was delicious and extravagant and as he laid her back onto the cushions of the sofa, Kathryn thought it was utter perfection.

The End.

  



End file.
